When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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