FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
You should frame my arrest warrant.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
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