Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
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