you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
