she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
I fill condoms, not promises.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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