i know ur right I'm sorry I'm stupid and incompitent look I can't even spell incompetent right! Fuck!
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Randomize