I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
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