its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
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