I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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