your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
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