I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
No I am not eating basil off your cock
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
