Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
