i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
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