I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Randomize
