I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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