dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Lets go hit some boners bro!
I appreciate the acceptance and inclusion, but that's not how we gay men talk.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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