I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
