Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
false alarm, still single
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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