I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
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