Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
Randomize
