i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
