I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Randomize
