I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
I deserve to be covered in dicks
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
