Betty ford says i'm here all night
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
