dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Randomize
