you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
Randomize
