No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
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