You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
