How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.
Randomize
