The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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