Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
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