she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
