I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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