I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Randomize
