i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
