I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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