I think I won the penis lottery.
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
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