i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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