I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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