So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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