Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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