So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Randomize
