I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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