i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
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