So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
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