I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
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