69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
He better not be in your backpack
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
