I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
Reggie can tackle my bush.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Randomize
