I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
