why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
