it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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