DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
