I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
