he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
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