Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Randomize
