Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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