I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
